


Filling an Empty Heart

by Calieus



Series: You and Me and One Spotlight [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feet Washing, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, I made myself sad, Kissing, M/M, Pining, Sad Kissing, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2020-09-19 08:17:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20327986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calieus/pseuds/Calieus
Summary: Crowley hadn't planned on walking into consecrated ground and being in the care of Aziraphale. But he is and his emotions start to run rampant from years of pent up feelings.[ A follow up to the 1941 Blitz scene].





	1. Vague Hope

**Author's Note:**

> I had to write something for this scene and it turned into a bunch of sad. For your listening enjoyment and max feels play [ Vague Hope (Spring Rain)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKCdKkPdTBs) from NieR Automata. 
> 
> Many thanks to my beta [ titled_words ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tilted_words) for looking this over for me.

Crowley stands in the ashes of the church holding Aziraphale’s book bag. There was no way that he was going to let them burn, they’re important to Aziraphale and therefore important to Crowley. He shuffles his feet now that the burning has stopped, but they’re now sore. Crowley can feel that much. He hopes that the damage isn’t permanent. Aziraphale takes the book bag and clutches it to his chest.

“Dear, are you alright?”

“I’m fine angel,” comes the response. “You got your books back so that’s a good thing.”

“All thanks to you. I am grateful.”

“…Whatever.”

“That was nice of you.”

“I’m not nice.”

_I’m only nice around you._

“Well, then,” says Aziraphale. “I guess you’ll be off then?”

Crowley can hear the concern in his voice. He knows that Aizraphale feels bad for having him walk into consecrated ground even though it was his choice to come here.

“Not quite yet,” he says. “Lift home? This place isn’t exactly safe.”

“Yes please.”

* * *

The ride back is uneventful. Crowley knows that Aziraphale wants to bring up his burned feet as Crowley races along empty streets. He keeps glancing over at him every so often and it’s making him feel a little guilty. However, Crowley keeps driving and tries not to wince every single second.

They get to Aziraphale’s bookshop that has remained intact maybe thanks to the power of miracles, but Crowley’s not going to inquire about that. He pulls over the Bentley and turns to Aziraphale.

“I guess I’ll see you later then angel.”

“…Crowley…”

“Yes?”

Aziraphale looks at him with worried filled eyes.

“Your feet,” he says. “You stepped on consecrated ground and I can tell that it’s hurting you.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“It’s not something you can just walk off Crowley.”

“Then what do you suggest I do about it?”

“Stay here, with me. I can help you.”

“They’ll discover us.”

“No, they won’t,” says Aziraphale. “I put a ward on the place to prevent any unwanted visitors. We’ll be safe.”

“If you say so.”

Turning off the Bentley Crowley gets out and the moment he steps on the ground pain shoots up his entire body. His legs give out on him and he almost hits the ground, but arms wrap around Crowley’s shoulders.

“Crowley are you alright?”

“…I’m fine.”

“Come on, let’s get you inside.”

Crowley leans on Aziraphale as they walk to the bookshop. His feet ache so much with each step that he almost wants to collapse again. Everything’s a bit of a blur as they enter the shop. His vision has gone spotty and, he doesn’t notice much, but before he knows it, he’s stretched out on Aziraphale’s couch. Crowley tries to blink away the hazes and from his distorted vision he can see Aziraphale shuffle around.

“Hm…angel…”

Aziraphale rushes to him.

“Yes dear?”

“Everything hurts.”

“I know, just hold tight for a while alright?”

Leaving his side Aziraphale goes to the edge of the couch and bends down. He hovers a hand over Crowley’s right shoe and glances at him. Crowley nods his head and Aziraphale carefully slips off the shoe. Pain shoots up Crowley’s leg and he winces, but otherwise doesn’t make a sound. The second shoe comes off with ease, leaving only Crowley’s black socks. Aziraphale looks at him.

“This might hurt dear.”

“It can’t hurt any worse than it already does,” Crowley says.

With a nod, Aziraphale grabs the edge of Crowley’s sock and slowly pulls it off. Crowley jerks as it peels off, the fabric only irritates the sores.

“Sorry, sorry.”

“You’re fine, just keep going.”

The second sock comes off smoother, even if Crowley still winces in pain. Aziraphale places a warm hand on his ankle and inspects his sole.

“Hm. They’re raw, but you should be fine,” he says. “I don’t think a miracle is going to work on this, so you’re going to have to wait for it to heal on its own.”

“That’s fine.”

“I’ll go get something to put on it.”

Aziraphale gets up and disappears within in the shop, leaving Crowley to relax. He reaches up to take off his hat, but it’s gone, Aziraphale must have taken it off him. His sunglasses are still on though. Crowley sinks into the couch and closes his eyes. Sleep sounds good right about now even though he recently woke from a century long nap. Noise comes from somewhere in the shop and Crowley opens his eyes. Aziraphale enters the backroom again with a wash-cloth, a small tub of water, and ointment. Walking over to the edge of the couch Aziraphale places the items on the ground.

“Be gentle,” Crowley says.

Even through his sunglasses Crowley can tell that Aziraphale’s face is flushed from the comment. It makes him almost want to get up and caress his face. Crowley shoves the thought aside, now is not the time to be thinking of things he can never have.

“This might sting a little,” says Aziraphale. “I’m sorry in advance.”

“No need to apologize angel, I’m fine okay?”

He can tell that Aziraphale is worried about him and it’s a comforting thought to know that someone cares for him. Crowley wonders if Aziraphale worried about him during his long nap. Did Aziraphale miss Crowley? Was his absence worrying to his angel? The thought is enough to make Crowley’s heart break; Aziraphale being sad is not a comforting thought. He pushes it away for the time being. 

Aziraphale wets the wash-cloth and squeezes the water out before pressing it to Crowley’s foot. He hisses in pain at the touch and Aziraphale looks at him, but Crowley nods for him to continue. The cloth moves against his foot in slow soft motions even if it stings. Aziraphale finishes his right foot and moves to the next one. Again, he’s in agony, but Crowley endures it and soon it’s over. The cloth is set in the water and Aziraphale turns back to him.

“Are you alright?

“I keep telling you that I’m fine,” says Crowley. “There’s really no need to worry about me angel. I’m not someone worth worrying over.”

The look on Aziraphale’s face shifts to sadness and it makes Crowley’s heart break.

“Why wouldn’t I worry about you?” asks Aziraphale. “You’re…my friend Crowley and therefore I have to worry.”

Crowley catches the pause in that last sentence, he was going to say something else, but he stopped himself. Was he going to maybe say that he was someone special to him?

“Worrying seems to be something you’re good at angel,” says Crowley. “I…don’t know that feeling.”

That’s a lie. Crowley has worried a lot over the years, like during his long sleep. He worried about never seeing Aziraphale again after it, that he would never find him again. To tell him that his heart aches. That he cares.

Aziraphale doesn’t say anything to that. He instead grabs the ointment and goes back to attending to Crowley’s feet. The salve is cold, and his feet continue to burn even as soft fingers rub it in. Once the task is done Aziraphale gathers everything back up. He doesn’t make eye contact as he speaks.

“I’ll go get some wound dressings.”

Aziraphale leaves the room in a hurry and Crowley looks at the floor. A deep part of him wants to say something, anything that says how he feels, but he can’t bring himself to do it.

“This…isn’t the time for feelings…” he whispers to himself. “No matter how much I want this it can’t be anything.”

Crowley makes himself comfortable on the couch and sinks into it. This is all far to complicated to deal with. Maybe he should go to sleep after all. As the thought leaves Aziraphale comes back into the room and Crowley doesn’t look at him, he closes his eyes and pretends to sleep.

“I got the dressings,” says Aziraphale. “It should only take a few minutes.”

Crowley of course doesn’t respond, he hears Aziraphale shuffle a bit. Then something soft touches his foot and it takes a lot of willpower to not wince. The bandages are applied quickly and Aziraphale lets out a sigh.

“There, that should be good for now at least,” he says. “So, for now just relax…Crowley?”

Crowley could hear Aziraphale step nearer.

“You fell asleep with your sunglasses on. Silly Crowley.”

A slight pressure is on his face and his sunglasses come off in one swift motion. Crowley’s eyes shoot open and Aziraphale jumps. He stares at Aziraphale who looks like a child caught stealing something important, his sunglasses hover above his face.

“I’m, so sorry!” sputters Aziraphale. “I though you were asleep, I’m so sorry!”

“Aziraphale, stop apologizing. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

The use of Aziraphale’s name surprises them both. Crowley does say it from time to time, but in this moment, it feels a lot more special. Aziraphale looks away from him and holds out his sunglasses back to him. Crowley takes the glasses and folds them before plopping them back into Aziraphale’s hand. He whips his head to look at Crowley in shock.

“Put them somewhere safe,” Crowley says. “I don’t need them right now.”

Aziraphale nods and hurries over to this desk to set them down. Crowley sees him grip the edge of his desk.

“Crowley…I…” starts Aziraphale. “No, never mind.”

_What were you going to say angel? That you love me?_

“Something on your mind angel?”

“No, it’s nothing,” Aziraphale says. “Anyways, I’ll leave you alone for now. You need some rest.”

He begins to leave, and Crowley feels some panic set in. No, he doesn’t want him to go.

“Aziraphale, come here.”

The words surprise Crowley, but they had to be said. Aziraphale lets go of his desk and walks back to stand near Crowley, too nervous to make eye contact. Crowley lifts himself off the couch and into a sitting position, which causes Aziraphale to immediately whip his head around in shock.

“Crowley no!”

“Trust me on this one angel,” he says. “It’s…something that should have been done a long time ago.”

Crowley gets up and wraps his arms around Aziraphale in a tight hug. It’s the first time he’s hugged him in all the millennia that they’ve known each other. Aziraphale is as warm and soft as he looks and Crowley smiles at how nice it feels.

“Thank you,” he says.

The response isn’t one Crowley expected, Aziraphale stiffens and doesn’t say anything as he normally would. Crowley wonders if he did something wrong, went too fast. His answer comes quick in the form of Aziraphale trembling and a choked sob. With that Crowley pulls back and stares at Aziraphale, there are tears streaking down his cheeks.

“Angel?”

“I’m…I’m…”

Whatever words Aziraphale is going to say is lost to a sob. Tears cascade down his face and Crowley at last does what he’s thought about doing for five thousand years and tenderly reaches for Aziraphale’s face.

“Come on, don’t be sad angel,” he says. “It’s not a good look on you.”

That only makes Aziraphale cry harder. Crowley guides Aziraphale down to the couch where Crowley sits and Aziraphale hovers over him. He pulls Aziraphale’s face to his and their foreheads touch. More tears stain Crowley’s hand, but he ignores it and rubs soft circles on Aziraphale’s cheeks.

“Aziraphale…was it something I said?”

“N-no. It wasn’t you.”

“Then what was it?”

“…nothing.”

Crowley knows that’s a lie, it was something, but perhaps it’s best not to push it. He continues to gently caress Aziraphale’s face until the tears stop. Once they do heavenly blue eyes stare into Crowley’s. He’s overcome with an urge to kiss Aziraphale, to feel those soft, plump looking lips encompassing his own. Crowley leans forward a little and Aziraphale makes no move to back off. Once Crowley’s mouth is almost touching Aziraphale’s the reality hits him. He can’t be doing this; head office will find out somehow. Pulling away Crowley lets his hands fall off Aziraphale’s face, untangles himself from him, and lays back down on the couch. He won’t look at Aziraphale.

“…Sorry,” Crowley says. “Just forget that ever happened.”

What is he saying? How can anyone forget that?

Aziraphale steps away and says nothing, that’s worrisome, but understandable as they almost snogged. Crowley sinks into the couch, deliberately looking anywhere but at Aziraphale.

“I hope you feel better tomorrow Crowley,” he says. “If you need anything else you know where to find me.”

With that Aziraphale leaves the room. Tears that Crowley didn’t know he was holding in flow down his face as he falls apart on Aziraphale’s couch. 


	2. We’re Already Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More angst adventures await. I started getting more ideas for this after a comment asked about a sequel and now it's going to be a series. Series title is a Yellowcard song that I do encourage to give a listen. 
> 
> Huge thanks to my wonderful beta [tilted_words](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tilted_words) for looking this over for me.

Crowley’s can’t confirm what time he wakes up at, but once he does everything feels like a blur. He remembers the church, his burning feet, being helped by Aziraphale. At the thought of his name all the memories from the night before come crashing back. How Crowley hugged him, caressed his face, almost kissed him. His heart begins to ache.

“Why did I think that was a good idea…” he says to no one. “I’m only continuing to hurt myself.”

Of all the times Crowley chose to act upon his feelings he chose now to do it. He had been dreaming of kissing Aziraphale for so long and when he had the opportunity, he didn’t take it. Crowley sinks into the couch and dramatically throws his arm over his eyes, he feels the prick of tears threatening to spill over.

“I’ve already felt sorry for myself enough times…not again…”

Moving around to face the back of the couch, Crowley curls in on himself as best he can and attempts to hold back the tears. His feet still hurt, but at this moment Crowley can’t bring himself to care. He feels the first tear fall as a noise from elsewhere in the shop echoes through the shelves and into the backroom. Crowley’s eyes widen as he hears footsteps make their way toward him. He immediately closes his eyes and pretends to be asleep, facing Aziraphale now could only cause more harm.

The footsteps stop somewhere at the arm of the couch, near where Crowley’s bandaged feet are. Crowley wills himself to not look at Aziraphale. He feels a cool hand on his ankle and Crowley almost jumps up. Aziraphale pulls off the bandages, this time it doesn’t sting as bad. Aziraphale holds his foot in place as he gently cleans it off and applies fresh bandages. He does it to the other foot and Crowley is so lost in his own head he doesn’t even notice that Aziraphale is done until he hears him sigh.

Crowley hears Aziraphale move to where his head is pressed into the back of the couch. He’s tempted to look, but he can’t bring himself to. Soft fingers slide along his cheek and that alone almost makes Crowley turn to face him. What is Aziraphale doing?

“Oh, Crowley…if…only you knew how much I loved you.”

Crowley feels his heart stop. The words that he’s waited so long to hear have finally been said and he can’t bring himself to say them back, paralyzed with fear and anxiety. Aziraphale’s hand leaves his face then his footsteps disappear. Crowley opens his eyes and attempts to regain his composure.

“You…idiot…” he says. “You can’t just go around saying something like that. We can’t do anything about this you know that.”

He can tell that these feelings are eating at Aziraphale too.

“Dammit angel…are you trying to make _me_ do something about this.”

Crowley hears footsteps and feigns sleep again. Aziraphale doesn’t approach him this time; instead Crowley hears a chair being pulled out and a small noise from Aziraphale is accompanied by pages turning. Aziraphale must be reading. Not daring to move, Crowley lets the sound of page flipping sound through the room. Maybe it’s time that he ‘woke up’. Opening his eyes, Crowley shifts to lay on his back and stare at Aziraphale with fake sleep-filled eyes.

“Good morning, Angel,” he says.

Aziraphale damn well nearly jumps out his chair. He doesn’t even bother looking at Crowley as he speaks.

“Yes, good morning.”

An awkward silence fills the room. Aziraphale continues to read his book and Crowley turns his gaze away. Maybe this was a bad idea after all. Crowley shifts on the couch to lay on his side, he still doesn’t look at Aziraphale.

“So…my feet are doing a bit better.”

As soon as the words leave Crowley’s mouth Aziraphale drops his book with a thud and Crowley whips his head to look at him. Aziraphale gets out of his chair and darts out of the room. Crowley opens his mouth to call out to him, but nothing comes out. He watches Aziraphale leave and then he sighs.

Crowley decides to go after him.

He sits himself up on the couch and stares down at his feet. This is probably going to hurt, but he’s done a lot of stupid things, he’s a demon after all. Crowley swings his legs off the couch and plants his feet onto the ground. He ignores the burn and stands up anyways. Taking his first step proves to be a bit of a disaster as Crowley almost falls to the ground, but he catches himself on the couch. He groans, but he lifts himself up again and instead of taking steps he shuffles across the ground. Grabbing onto the shelves for support Crowley makes his way towards the direction Aziraphale headed in. He doesn’t pay any mind to his burning feet, Crowley just needs to find his angel.

Turning into a hall Crowley heads down it and soon he ends up at a slightly ajar door. He peaks inside, Aziraphale is laying on a big king-sized bed with a blue curtain drape. For the time being he doesn’t notice Crowley. 

“What is wrong with me?” Aziraphale asks to no one. “I can’t be falling in love with a demon. I’m an angel for goodness sake, that can’t happen…and yet it is…”

Crowley hears a sob and Aziraphale curls up onto the bed. He should leave, but Crowley is feeling brave and a tiny bit dumb. Pushing open the door Crowley steps into the room and shuffles to the side of Aziraphale’s bed. His back is turned to Crowley and doesn’t notice him through his sobs. Reaching out a hand Crowley places it onto Aziraphale’s shoulder. The moment he does Aziraphale jumps and whips his tear stained head around to look at Crowley with terrified eyes. They are however soon replaced with concern. 

“Crowley no, you shouldn’t be up!” Aziraphale frets. “Please you’re probably hurting yourself go back to bed!”

“Angel, please-”

“Oh dear, I’ll need to replace everything again and you’re still standing there and you’re hurting-”

“Aziraphale!” Crowley shouts. “Please stop talking for one second!”

The raised voice surprises them both and Aziraphale looks at him in shock. There’s still tears running down his face and Crowley suppresses the urge to wipe them.

“I-I…”

“Just listen to me,” Crowley says. “We need to talk about last night.”

Aziraphale looks away from him.

“No, there’s nothing to discuss.”

“There is. It’s important that we do something before we both do anything stupid.”

“Go away Crowley.”

“I’m not leaving until we discuss this.”

Whether they both like it or not they do need to talk before Crowley’s heart decides to give out on him from all these emotions. Aziraphale turns to face him, his face unreadable behind the tears.

“…Fine…”

Crowley lets out a sigh of relief.

“Thank you,” he says. “Can you scoot over? I really need to sit down.”

Aziraphale scoots over to the middle of the bed and Crowley climbs onto it. He doesn’t go near Aziraphale and instead opts to lay somewhat near the edge. Crowley stares at the ceiling and lets himself relax onto the bed, it’s soft and comfy. Neither of them says anything and tension starts to fill the room again. It doesn’t last long though as Aziraphale is the first to speak.

“Crowley, what happened last night was…not a dream right?”

“It wasn’t no.”

_I wish it was though._

“Then…why couldn’t you make it real?”

“Because I was a coward,” says Crowley. “I would have gladly kissed you angel, but I backed out. Our head offices would find out.”

“Who cares what they think though, I was ready, I wanted _you_, offices be damned.”

Crowley looks at Aziraphale in shock. All these years and he’s never heard Aziraphale swear. He holds back asking him and continues with the conversation.

“And yet why didn’t you do anything?”

Aziraphale tenses up and Crowley resists the urge to touch him.

“I…I didn’t know what to do,” he says. “It all felt like a dream, so I just decided to let it play out.”

“It’s not though.”

“I know…” says Aziraphale. “And because of that I don’t know what to do…”

Crowley sees Aziraphale’s body shake and he lets out another sob. Without any hesitation this time, Crowley reaches out a hand and touches Aziraphale’s shoulder. He turns him to face him. Tears cascade down red cheeks and Crowley places both his hands on Aziraphale’s face. He wipes at the tears and gives a sad smile.

“And you think I do too?” he asks. “I want to do something about this angel, and I can’t. Everything dicates that we can’t do any of this.”

“I know that, and I don’t care!”

“Yeah…I know…”

“Then why…why don’t we do anything about this?”

“Because, we aren’t allowed to love without questioning every single aspect of it.”

At the utterance of those words Aziraphale lets out a wretched sob. Crowley moves closer to him and gently guides Aziraphale to lay on his back, Crowley hovers over him, their thighs touching. He presses their foreheads together and Crowley lets a tear fall from his eyes as he stares into Azirapahle’s heavenly blue eyes.

“Crowley,” Aziraphale chokes out. “This isn’t fair!”

“I know angel…I know.”

More sobs wrack through Aziraphale’s body and Crowley feels more tears fall off his face. He wants to kiss him so much. And just maybe this time he should do it.

“Aziraphale, this is only going to happen once alright?” says Crowley. “I may regret it later, but for the time being maybe I shouldn’t care about what anyone else thinks.”

Aziraphale nods in confirmation, he probably doesn’t know what Crowley’s talking about, but it doesn’t matter. Crowley closes his eyes and leans down to press his lips to Aziraphale’s. It’s everything that Crowley imagined, warm soft lips pressed against his own. He moves his mouth in slowly and Aziraphale follow. Their mouths fit together perfectly. Crowley presses deeper then he licks Aziraphale’s bottom lip. A moan shakes through Crowley’s body it creates a big enough opening for him to push his tongue inside Aziraphale’s mouth. He tastes tea and a hint of sugar as he flicks the roof of Aziraphale’s mouth. That incites a delicious moan that travels straight to Crowley’s crotch. Aziraphale grabs Crowley’s hair and gives a slight tug. That manages to make Crowley let out a moan of his own. He licks at Aziraphale’s tongue which immediately fights back and soon they’re kissing feverously. A hand makes its way down to Crowley’s crotch and squeezes. He moans and out of reflex he grinds into Aziraphale’s hand.

Reality comes crashing down around Crowley like being sucked into a black hole. He suddenly remembers where he is and what the situation is. Crowley pulls away from Aziraphale and stares down at him. He’s stopped crying though his eyes are now glazed over, and his pupils are blown in lust.

“Crowley?”

“We…we went too far…”

“No dear please,” Aziraphale says. “It was…wonderful.”

“I know. And that’s what makes it bad.”

Aziraphale blinks at him and Crowley pulls away, he doesn’t want too.

“…Crowley…”

“Aziraphale, I’m sorry,” the words are not something Crowley even bother says, he’s never sorry and yet in this moment he is.

“No, you have nothing to be sorry for.”

“But I do though,” says Crowley. “Because what I’m about to do it going to hurt us both, but it’s for our own good.”

“Crowley?”

“Aziraphale, I love you and it’s the most terrifying thing in the world.”

Crowley doesn’t wait for an answer he scrambles off the bed and runs out of the room, burning feet be damned. Tears run down his face as he runs down the hall, Aziraphale’s plea’s echo through begging him to come back.

Crowley runs until he can’t hear Aziraphale anymore, running right through the door to the shop and into London.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing that last line Crowley says physically hurt me. 
> 
> [ Tungle](https://fadingrequiem.tumblr.com)


	3. Love Me Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had this chapter done for ages, but never got around to posting it due to my beta being busy. Anyways it's here now so enjoy.

Crowley curls up into a ball on the cold park bench. His feet hurt, everything’s dark, and his heart is aching. He can’t believe that he kissed Aziraphale like that, desperation and feelings taking over. However, Crowley doesn’t regret a single minute of it. He’s been waiting for so many years to kiss his angel senseless and he finally did it. Yet Crowley’s heart aches still as there’s a lot of regret and fear laced in. Both of their offices will find out somehow as they always do and they’ll both punished for acting foolish. Crowley buries his face in his knees and hugs his legs close. He shouldn’t be out here, there’s bombs going off and its way too cold, but there’s no way he can face Aziraphale. Crowley’s positive that his action of leaving him behind like that broke his heart.

“I know that I shouldn’t have done that, and I feel sad yet happy that I did,” he says. “Kissing you angel was everything that I ever wanted it to be.”

At the thought of that event Crowley feels tears prick his eyes. He’s already cried so much already and yet he can’t bring himself to stop. Crowley hugs his legs closer and gives into the tears. They soak his knees and sobs shake his body. This is pathetic. He’s a demon and he shouldn’t be crying and feeling sorry for himself. However, unlike the other demons in Hell they’re not the ones who fell in love with an angel. Crowley’s body continues to shake and the tears soak down his legs. He wants Aziraphale to come back for him, to hold him in his warm arms, to kiss the top of his head, to tell him that he loves him. The thought only makes Crowley break down even more, he should stop wishing for something that they both can’t have.

“Why...why did I have to fall in love with an angel…” Crowley sobs. “This is so pathetic and sad. We can’t be together you lovesick fool.”

The sobs continue to wreck their way through Crowley’s body, throat going hoarse, and his eyes burning. He only gives into it and closes his eyes to let the sadness wash over him. Through the tears and pain something flashes into Crowley’s mind; the time that Aziraphale first hugged him.

_Crowley takes the last sip of wine and slouches into the comfort of Aziraphale’s couch. He had been invited over for drinks for a reason that Crowley can’t be bothered to remember. His mind is too cloudy and hazy. Sure, Crowley can miracle the drunkenness away, but that’s no fun. Next to him Aziraphale is also slouching a little into the couch, empty wine glass in hand. _

_“Yo….you s-something angel,” Crowley slurs. “The world is a cruel and unforgiving place. No happiness to be had so long as She’s around.”_

_The words cause a stir in Aziraphale, he turns to look at Crowley with an expression he can’t read. _

_“I don’t think the same as you do Crowley,” he says. “The world isn’t as cruel as you think it is.”_

_“Tell that to Her. The world is her playground, She doesn’t care about anything besides her little game of human chess.”_

_Those words hit some sort of nerve in Aziraphale as he shoots a glare at him. _

_“God cares about humanity! You may not think that, but she does!”_

_“Is that the lie they tell you in Heaven?” Crowley asks. “That She loves everyone even though she’ll abandon and discard anyone who dares to question anything.”_

_Aziraphale gets up from his seat and moves to stand in front of Crowley, his eyes burning with anger. _

_“I will not have you speaking of Her like that!”_

_“Or what angel? You’ll smite me?”_

_Crowley knows that he shouldn’t be saying all these mean things, but he blames the alcohol for making him like this. Aziraphale sets his glass down and continues to give Crowley a dirty look._

_“I’ll...I’ll…”_

_“You’ll what?” Crowley asks as he looks at Aziraphale with a curious look. _

_The next set of actions surprises Crowley. Aziraphale has every right to slap him in the face for saying all these mean things. Yet he doesn’t do that. Warm arms throw themselves around Crowley and he drops the empty bottle onto the couch. His eyes widen in surprise. Out of all the things that has happened tonight Aziraphale hugs him. Crowley’s not complaining too much though as Aziraphale is warm and his heart has ached for centuries for a moment like this. _

_“Um...angel?”_

_“Crowley, please stop putting yourself down.”_

_“I’m not though?” says Crowley. “I said a bunch of mean things insulting Her not putting myself down.”_

_Aziraphale’s arms tighten around him and soon Crowley feels warm tears on his neck. _

_“I know you didn’t mean it,” he says. “You’re too nice to say something like that.”_

_That makes Crowley blink in surprise. Well, at least he knows now who's the more drunk out of the two of them. _

_“I’m not nice angel,” Crowley says. _

_The arms around him tightened as though to say that he is nice. Crowley sighs, and with hesitation puts a hand on Aziraphale’s back as his drunken sobs filled the room. _

Crowley’s tears stop as the memory goes away. He’s not sure what that’s supposed to tell him besides that he really wants a hug.

“Aziraphale...I need you,” he whispers.

I need you to tell me that everything is going to be okay.

“Crowley?”

At the sound of Aziraphale’s voice Crowley snaps his head up. He’s standing there in an oversized coat looking worried with red eyes. Crowley feels the tears start up again, he doesn’t deserve such a worried look.

“Go away Aziraphale,” says Crowley. “I don’t want you here.”

The words sting Crowley’s heart, but he needs to leave, they’re risking exposure being out in the open like this.

“Please listen to me Crowley.”

“No! Go away! I’ve already broken our hearts enough, any longer this goes on and we’ll only hurt ourselves more.”

“Crowley-”

He doesn’t bother to listen to what Aziraphale’s about to ramble on about next. Crowley gets up off the bench. He gets one step in before he remembers that his feet are still injured, pain shoots up his legs and Crowley sees the ground coming at him. A hand shoots out in front of him catching his fall. Crowley doesn’t bother to look at Aziraphale.

“Let go of me angel, please.”

“No.”

“Aziraphale...please. We’ve already caused ourselves enough pain, we don’t need anymore.”

“You need to come back Crowley, you’re hurt,” Aziraphale says, his comment ignored.

“I’m not going back Aziraphale,” says Crowley. “I...I don’t care about you anymore alright!”

The hand on Crowley doesn’t move as Aziraphale shifts in front of him. Before Crowley can even blink there’s a cold hand on his face and that forces him to look up at Aziraphale with wide eyes. He’s staring at Crowley with so much love and kindness that he doesn’t deserve.

“I don’t believe you,” Aziraphale says. “Both of our actions say otherwise.”

“Then leave me alone.”

“No. I won’t let you go until you’re rested. After that you can leave at your own will and if you want never talk to me again.”

That offer hurts Crowley’s heart.

“Aziraphale…”

“I’m aware that being together only causes us pain,” he says. “So... maybe it’s for the best that we don’t see each other again after this. It’s what you want right?”

Crowley starts to tear up again. No, he doesn’t want that at all, what he wants is to love his angel. The hand on Crowley’s face wipes at a tear and that’s enough to make the rest of Crowley’s broken heart shatter into a million pieces.

“Dammit, Aziraphale,” he sobs. “Why. Why does it have to be this way?”

Aziraphale moves forward and then before Crowley’s brain can process what’s happening warm safe arms wrap themselves around him. They squeeze him tight and Crowley feels himself sinking into the warmth. He hears Aziraphale let out a choked sob.

“Because, it’s as you said, the world is a cruel and uncaring place.”

There’s some hesitation, but Crowley allows himself to hug Aziraphale back. He wills himself not to start crying again there’s already been enough of that.

“Aziraphale…” _I love you._ “I want to go home.”

“Of course, dear.”

Aziraphale breaks the hug but remains close. He shuffles around then he wraps an arm around Crowley’s back and bends down to place his other arm under Crowley’s knees. Aziraphale lifts him up with ease, he’s carrying him bridal style. Crowley blushes, but he doesn’t say anything. He shifts in Aziraphale’s arms and places his head under his chin. They start walking back to the park’s entrance.

* * *

When they get back to the book-shop Aziraphale doesn’t place Crowley on the couch this time. Instead he walks back to his room and sets Crowley down on the bed. Once he’s sure Crowley is comfortable, he turns away and Crowley shoots his hand and grabs his arm. Aziraphale turns to look at him with a smile.

“I’ll be back dear,” he says. “I need to grab some things real quick. You hurt your feet again.”

“Hgn…”

Crowley lets go and Aziraphale wanders out of the room. All alone Crowley snuggles into the bed to get more comfortable. He misses the feeling of Aziraphale’s arms around him, he was warm, and this room is cold. Crowley closes his eyes and relaxes. He could fall asleep again. The door to the room creaks open and Crowley blinks open his eyes, Aziraphale comes into the room with the bandage stuff. He places it down near Crowley’s feet.

“This should only take a minute.”

Crowley nods and goes back to relaxing. Aziraphale peels off the bandages and washes his feet, the cold water is soothing. Once that’s done, he dries them off with a soft towel then puts more ointment on. Fresh bandages are applied and Aziraphale steps out of the room again. Crowley shifts around to lay on his side. He thinks about what he should do now, after that display things should technically be fine, but they aren’t. His heart still aches, and he still wants lots of hugs. Maybe he can convince Aziraphale to cuddle with him.

Aziraphale steps back into the room and hovers over Crowley, his hands in his pockets.

“Well,” he says. “You should be fine now hopefully. No pulling anymore crazy stunts, right?”

“There shouldn’t be any more no.”

“Good.”

An awkward silence fills the room. Aziraphale is looking anywhere but at Crowley, his body sways a little. Crowley with some hesitation reaches out a hand and grabs onto Aziraphale’s coat. That startles him enough to look at Crowley.

“Can you...stay here with me?” asks Crowley.

“Of course, dear.”

Letting go Crowley shoots over on the bed for Aziraphale to climb onto it. He lays on his side to face Crowley, their faces are inches apart. Crowley reaches out a hand and cups Aziraphale’s face. He ignores the feelings that tell him he can’t be doing this. For the time being he wants to have this. Crowley leans forward and presses their foreheads together.

“Aziraphale…” he says. “I love you don’t forget that alright.”

“Crowley....”

“After my feet are better, I’m going to leave.”

Aziraphale’s eyes go wide.

“But I don’t want you too!”

“I know that,” says Crowley. “But it needs to be done. I’ve been here for way too long.”

There’s a pleading look in Aziraphale’s eyes.

“Will...I see you again?”

“I don’t know….” Crowley says. “It depends on how busy we both get. I can’t make any promises Aziraphale that we’ll see each other anytime soon.”

Silence fills the room and Crowley stares into beautiful blue eyes for maybe the last time for the next couple of years. A hand reaches up to cup Crowley’s face then Aziraphale leans forward and presses a soft warm kiss on his lips. He pulls away after a second and stares at Crowley with sad yet loving eyes.

“I love you Crowley.”

Crowley smiles and wraps an arm around Aziraphale, pulling him close. Those three little words send his heart soaring. He can feel the voice in the back of his head trying to come out again. Crowley shoves it aside and enjoys the warmth of the moment, he needs to have this as he doesn’t know when he’ll get it again.

“Aziraphale,” says Crowley. “Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> c: Everything is perfectly fine and okay.

**Author's Note:**

> This even made me sad. 
> 
> I have a [ Tumblr](https://fadingrequiem.tumblr.com) where you can yell at me.


End file.
